Farewell, Coffee Heath Bar Crunch

I'll just come right out with it. Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, one of the greatest Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavors ever made is no longer available. You haven't heard? I wish I was surprised by that. Unfortunately we live in a world where the mainstream media ignores real, relevant issues in favor of more eye-catching headlines. Luckily, I'm happy to help pick up their slack.

Now, I understand the fact that they took a great flavor off the shelves isn't newsworthy. We've all lost a favorite Ben and Jerry's flavor at some point. It's sad, but it's a part of this journey we call life. And usually B&J have the basic decency to tell you when something is limited edition so you can keep your distance emotionally. Take, for instance, Magic Brownies. You don't think I could have gotten attached to those sweet, dense brownie chunks nestled into black raspberry ice cream? I could have! But it said "Limited Edition" right there on the lid. "You know what this is, Ryan." I thought to myself with each pint.

 See? "Limited Batch" Their cards are on the table and nobody gets hurt.

See? "Limited Batch" Their cards are on the table and nobody gets hurt.

But in the case of Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, those fuckers did NOT play by the rules. First off, this was a staple flavor for years. I was crushing pints of CHBC when Bush was in office. And they didn't just pull it from the shelves. Their betrayal goes much deeper than that. In an effort to reduce the amount of GMOs in their ice cream, B&J decided to stop using "Heath" brand toffee. So, if you go to your local grocery store's ice cream aisle you will be greeted by pint after pint of "coffee toffee bar crunch". 

"So, wait a second, Ryan. All they did was change the toffee from "Heath" brand to their own GMO-free brand? What's the big deal? It's basically the same flavor, right?" -My detractors who haven't yet tasted this SHITTIEST of toffees

It's so bad. My girlfriend insists it tastes metallic and blood-like. I don't know a lot about the toffee business but apparently GMO's are REALLY important for making toffee not taste like you're sucking on a penny you picked up off the floor of a K-mart.

The point is, Coffee Heath Bar Crunch is DEAD. This "Coffee Toffee Bar Crunch" is being held up ala Weekend at Bernie's with Ben and Jerry under each arm, respectively. It's disgusting. They couldn't just get rid of it. They had to desecrate it's corpse. At this point all we can do in the face of this senseless tragedy is come together as a community and try to keep one another from buying this imposter flavor.

Read More

/